I think a lot about the way I react to situations. Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. There are so many things I would love to do over. Most of them are to know what the other outcome would have been. I make it a point to avoid regret. Regret leaves permanent scars. Most of my regret stems not from what I have done but what I avoided doing. All the times I ran away and avoided facing my fears, the things that would hurt, the tough stuff that's no fun but my responsibility. If I'm not there, the point will come across eventually. It ends up hurting worse.
I'm not a fighter. If it must be binary, then I will gladly take on the label "lover". I love people, though I'm often awkward around them. Mostly I'm awkward because I love people. I like shiny, new things. I get really excited at making new friends, I get what I like to call 'friend crushes', and I come on rather strong because I get so excited that there's this new person in my little world. It's beautiful and sharp and amazing and bright and super clear. This does fade to something more sane, thankfully, and I bounce less. The shine tarnishes a bit, the person becomes real and three dimensional. And I assume they will see through the bounce and giddy and find me lacking. So I run away before that rejection comes.
I'm like a kid, hiding from the scary Dalek behind the couch. Afraid it's going to come and exterminate me and insanely curious as to whether it's still there and chasing me. So I'll peek out from the cushions, hoping all at once that it's still there and is gone. But I know, deep down, that if it's gone, I'm going to feel so much worse than if it's there.
Writing has been like that a little these days. I want to write. I love that ideas floating in my head, I even fall in love with them a little. But as soon as I start committing them to paper or "paper" I fear they won't be good enough. and i freeze up and run away and hide until they drift off. and then I feel like all of me is not good enough.
I recently met a published author, who's work fascinates me, despite being nothing like that way I write and subject matter that's not entirely in my comfort zone. I'm not unwilling to admit a touch of a friend crush. It makes me want to write. I want to feel good enough. I'm beginning to want to run away. It's almost becoming a litmus test that I'm not sure I like: if I run and you at least make a passing effort to follow, then I will turn around and run back. Repeat. I've never been patient and I'm not very good at sitting still. or waiting.
I don't know where this is really going. Life is exausting, I need to find the stillness and am failing miserably. Also I wanted the Celebrity post off the top of the page. I'm going to try to write again. I shouldn't be afraid of things that aren't actually frightening.
