speed

I wish I could type as fast as I write as fast as I think. Waiting for the world to catch up. wondering what to do next, the decision is mine and mine alone. I write to think and come up short. I write for some sort of approval. To touch the outside world, to distil the crazy into something manageable. like fine whiskey, only time will tell. I want it all now now. Impatient, rash, foolish. Slowing down equals fear of stopping all together. but I need to stop, to shatter into a million pieces, to take the time to put them back together. to look and find what I've lost. it's not lost so much as it's locked away. I'm afraid of myself at times, with valid reasons.

I refuse to lose my temper, lock it down and bury it inside so the rage comes out in tears. I hurt myself before I will hurt others, trying to make everyone happy. Believing the good, trusting to my own detriment. no one is perfect, but I want to be. so I am never content. It's my own fault and I know it. But I'm afraid of being nothingness. stillness. so I runrunrunrunrunrunrun run until I collapse. drinkdrinkdrinkdrink drink until I am stupid. pushpushpushpushpushpush push until the edges give way and the walls come crashing down around my ears.

Am I the unstoppable force or the immovable object?

hungry

leaving staying going coming rainbow sprinkle. sooty fingerprints blood on my hands foie gras knowing the truth no in the truth lie behind the eyes in her arms my arm burnt bruised but not broken. a freezer full of chilli and ice cubes in the fire. one of many the only one. running away to hide and find the reality that doesn't exist. art is love is pain is art. sad tears through the laughter mocking. i have a farthing. and a threepence. i need you to not cry when i tell you i'm going i need you to cry. weakness in the strength of the emotion. post on the mat. afraid of not being scared. scratching the surface until it bleeds only to find nothing. an excercise in english class psychology. write write write write write write write write to discover yourself and plunge the depths of nothingness. mothering to save caring for yourself myself. don't want to eat without meaning don't want to offend his mom, her mom, eat a little of everything, even if you don't like it, i've told them your allergic to milk have a nice time dear. my best friend when i was 5 had a four poster bed. i wanted a canopy bed but had to settle for my Dad's parents like i've always had. the mattress is as old as i am.
cheddar, parmigiana, not stilton not brie. a friend a lover. mozzarella a new beginning. where can i get marmite in the City that never sleeps, the windy city? how can i make her understand. i don't understand myself.

drown sorrows in sorrows, reach for the sky and fall to the ground.

Walking

I keep having the urge to do something crazy. Light fires in buckets, climb trees inappropriate trees, Shout poetry on street corners. But mostly it's been the thought of walking a pilgrimage of sorts. El Camino de Santiago, walk to Canterbury for giggles, or the Pennine way. But mostly, I want to chuck it all in, and take six months and walk the Appalachian Trail. I'm a bit late to start this year. The desire for survival and testing myself appeals to me.

I want to strip away all the creature comforts, worry about the basics in a real way. Where will I next sleep? Will I find fresh water, wholesome food? Will I know what to do if it all goes wrong and can I manage to live day to day? I know I can always come out of the woods, but that would be giving in to weakness.

My real issue is the being out of work for 6+ months. If I could afford that, I would be out the door in March. Saving up is the answer, though. I think a few years might be enough, provided the international move doesn't take too much out of my savings. So, April 2012 maybe. Why 2012? because it will be 100 years since the sinking of the Titanic. Seems as good way as any to pick a date to do something completely foolish and selfish.

That said, I now have two and a half years to learn to take care of myself. And how to put up a tent in the rain with out it getting too wet, among other things...